I have recently taken an unplanned hiatus from this blog and incase any one noticed, as well as for my own peace of mind, I want to talk about it. From the start, when I began this platform, it was always my aim to write in a way that was genuine and honest, in order to give a real account of what moving to the other side of the world is like. However, I am disappointed with myself. I think I have failed this in one huge way: I haven’t told any truths about how homesick I really am.
So why haven’t I opened up about this yet? I have wanted to and been meaning to but have found it hard to get the words down. Writing about homesickness or any sort of feeling, for me, is extremely hard. I’ll be the first to admit that I am terrible at writing about whats actually going on in my head. This is for a couple of reasons: 1. I am quite a private person and even though I am sharing so much of my life online here, albeit badly, it is very much curated; I only share what I am prepared to share and I shy away from being too exposed. 2. I am not very good at writing about my personal life. Writing about my innermost thoughts is something I avoid because I think it really takes an art to make it good, clever and relatable. However, for reasons I am going to explain, I have decided that the moment is now to get over this fear and talk about it. Homesickness is the huge looming difficulty of my life here in New Zealand!
The reason for my blog hiatus wasn’t specifically due to being homesick. Unfortunately my Grandma Shirley passed away in mid February this year. Shirley has been a pillar of loyalty and love for me throughout my 29 years of life, especially when I was a child, and is unquestionably a hugely important figure impacting who I am today. I do not take this lightly. Her death wasn’t necessarily a shock, as she was 91 and had various health issues but it was definitely something I wasn’t expecting or planning for.
When you find out news like this, as I did, half way through a night at a bar with work friends, there is no plan for how you will react. My instant reaction was not to cry or be immediately sad or stressed, all I could think of was that I MUST be at home, and quickly. So, from the moment I received that news, for the past month or so, I have been fully focused on spending time with people at home. And, no matter how much we try to talk it down as ‘expats’, if you live in New Zealand and all your family home is the UK, the whole process of going there and being there is MASSIVE.
I meet a lot of people in Wellington who are from Europe and I always ask them how they feel about being so far away from family and friends. Its like I need to find out whether I am crazy and alone in my constant worry about this. The reviews are mixed: some say they are not that close to their family so they don’t think about it, some have family that moved out too, some hated their home so much they feel the sacrifice is well worth it. I am really envious of these people in a lot of ways. They make it seem easy! The most interesting response I often hear though, is, “oh, I would only see my family about 3 times a year anyway if I was there.” This does have an element of sense but it doesn’t give me any comfort. It is either 3 times or not at all. In my case, I hadn’t seen my grandmother since Christmas 2016 and not to be dramatic, but now I will never see her again which this is something I find extremely sad. Its not like I went to see her every weekend when I was at home, as she lived in Wales, far from where I was, but there is no doubt I would have seen her, maybe 2, maybe 3 times, maybe more, if I didn’t live in New Zealand!
Its not true to say that I didn’t think about this before now, or anticipate homesickness before I left, but my Grandmother’s death is the first occasion of a seminal life moment that has caused me to fully notice how far from my “old life” I really am. I have been fearing missing moments and ‘occasions’ like this ever since choosing to live my life over here. I mean, there have been others, like my two best friends 30th birthdays that I missed, which made me extremely anxious. But, this was the first one where I was like, right I NEED to be there and flew home, without question.
I am worried now, as life moves on and I get older and the people around me get older, that these moments will become more frequent and more profound. My maternal grandmother, who I was able to visit on my trip, is not really well, my mum turns 60 this year and my friends and brothers will eventually start to get married and have babies. Can I really miss all these things?
My mum turns 60 this year and my friends and brothers will eventually start to get married and have babies. Can I really miss all these things?
And its not only the big things, it is the day to day that is hard to miss too. The dinners with friends and family; the time spent with people who really know you, like REALLY know you. Those who you laugh at the same things with and who love you despite of everything and because of everything. These relationships are rare, important and invaluable. Of course, new friends are made, but it can be slow and difficult and maybe its my own fault because I have such a strong attachment to home, but they never quite match up.
What it comes down to is really a choice. And that is the scariest part. Of course, it is possible to fly home for each of these events but its not really feasible. It costs about $2000, takes 2 days to travel there and its not worth going unless staying for at least 10 days by the time you get over the jet lag. So, sadly it really is a choice between lifestyle here in New Zealand and being back home for “the things that matter.” In my personal situation, I am with an Australian: one of us will always be on the other side of the world, whichever we choose. This is a reality that I am facing.
You are probably reading this and thinking, god she’s so spoilt! I am fully aware that I have a choice and I am so lucky. So many people do not have this luxury and would kill to be in my shoes for economic or even worse, asylum reasons, and I do sometimes feel like a real brat for having this dialogue about such a first world problem. I am conscious of this, I know I am lucky and and its not the end of the world. I really do know that, but the feeling, the homesickness and the sadness is there and it is real.
If only there was an answer to this. If they released a magic 3 hour flight between NZ and the UK. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Then I could have both! But there isn’t and anyway, for now it feels alright. For now, I have the homesickness under control. I made the trip and I was there and I am through the pain and the grief of it all. But can I keep it under control forever? I just don’t know. If anyone has any answers, any tips or advice for the way forward, please let me know! Or just tell me, how you deal with it.
Now about my hiatus; Interestingly, or perhaps not, I found it impossible to tap into this blogging thing while I was at home, grieving and thinking (and having the flu). I felt an element of insincerity while writing all positively and encouragingly about my life in New Zealand, with this looming and present dislike for it hanging over me. I couldn’t even post on Instagram without feeling like I was promoting a lie so I just gave it up for a while, deciding to wait until it was time to pick it up again, which seems to be now.
Its a cliche, I know, but the passing of Grandma Shirley taught me a lot of things. In terms of this often frivolous world of blogging, it has highlighted the need to be more sincere. I don’t want to pretend. Life is full of both great and awful moments, and to try to pretend it is perfect, which is something that happens all to often in this online space, is unfair and unrealistic. I am grateful that people, maybe like you, read this blog and find it helpful and inspiring for making the move. This gives me a great deal of fulfilment too. But, it is important to not only share the good parts of the journey, but also the difficult. There is so much about moving to New Zealand that has been hard and a struggle and this is something I want to bring into this space more and often and more honestly. And my grandma, she HATED the idea that I had moved so far away! But one thing she did treasure above all else was her family and this is something I hope I have inherited from her. So being real about the strain being away puts on both me and them is important and it would have been important to her.
The passing of Grandma Shirley taught me a lot of things. But in terms of this often frivolous world of blogging it has taught me that I need to be more sincere.
Anyway, I’m back and the blogging continues for now. I will still be writing write guides, advice and accounts of the happy times but I want to also share the emotional side of it all. New Zealand really is an amazing place to live and I do feel so grateful that I have this opportunity. Who knows, maybe I can follow this post with something about how I conquered homesickness in the very near future. Or maybe I will be writing about how to move back to the UK after 3 years in NZ and not hate everything! I’m kidding, kind of. But really, I don’t know what the future holds, that much has been made totally clear. My mind changes, the world changes, whats important is being present and truthful. I’ll keep you updated!
Thank you for reading.
Peace and Love
Josie x
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